How Juunana-gou Stole Christmas
by Feyth
Summary: A filking of one of my favorite Christmas stories ever. Starring everybody's favorite bad boy, Juunana-gou (Cyborg #17)!


How Juunana-gou Stole Christmas

by Marron

All the people in Satan City

Loved Christmas a lot,

But Juunana-gou, 

Who lived just east of Satan City

Did NOT!

Juunana hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why, we don't quite know the reason.

It could be that Gero didn't program him just right,

It could be, perhaps, that his jeans were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his orange bandanna was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, pants or ascot,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating Satan City a lot,

Staring out from his cabin with a big sour frown,

At the merry decorations that dressed up their town.

For he knew that everyone in Satan City down the road,

Was busy snuggling and kissing under fresh mistletoe.

"Next they'll hang up their stockings!" He barked with sneer,

"One more day until Christmas! It's practically here!"

He paced back and forth, mumbling and grumbling,

"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew.......

....All the little girls and the boys,

Would get up at dawn and make a dash for their toys!

The toys would make them happy and fill them with cheer!

That's the one thing he hated! Cheer! Cheer! Cheer! Cheer!

Then everyone, the young and the old, would sit down to eat!

And they'd eat! And they'd eat!

And they'd eat! EAT! EAT! EAT!

They would start with rice pudding and dinosaur meat,

Which was something Juunana couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN

They'd do something he liked least of all!

Everyone in Satan City, the tall and the small,

Would sit down and turn their t.v. on,

Just to see Mr. Satan flapping his jaw.

And Mr. Satan would talk! He'd talk!

He'd talk! Talk! Talk! TALK!

And the more he thought of Mr. Satan talking

The more Juunana thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

"Why, for almost a decade I've put up with it now!

I MUST stop this Chrismas from coming!

But the question is.... HOW?!"

Then he got an idea!

Juunana-gou

Got a wonderful, AWFUL idea!

"I know just what to do!" He chortled in his throat,

And in no time, he made a Santa hat and a coat.

He cackled and grinned, "What a wonderful trick!

With this hat and this coat, I look just like Saint Nick!"

"Now, all I need is a reindeer..."

Juunana-gou looked around,

But alas, for Juunana, there were none to be found.

Did that stop our anti-hero?

No! Instead, he simply said,

"If I can't find what I need, I'll make it instead!"

So he called Juuroku-gou, and found some red thread,

and he tied a big horn on Juuroku-gou's head!

"Juunana-gou, I am aware of the location of a reindeer if one is required."

Juuroku-gou said, but alas it was too late; Juunana was already inspired.

Then he loaded some bags,

And some old empty sacks,

On a broken old sleigh,

Which he asked Juuroku to pull,

Juuroku, of course, said "Okay."

Then Juunana-gou said, "Giddyap!"

And the sleigh started out

Towards the homes where the people

Lay asleep in their town.

Every window was dark. There was a chill in the air.

All the citizens of Satan City slept without care

When Juunana came to the first house in the square.

"This is stop number one." Juunana Claus hissed,

And he climbed up to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Juunana slid down the chimney, which was quite a feat,

But if Santa could do it, well, then so could he!

He got stuck only once, and wriggled in place,

Then found his way down and looked out the fireplace

Where little red stockings hung all in a row.

"These stockings," he cackled, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and snuck, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, until he took every present!

Dollies! And Scooters! Puzzles! Drums!

Mr. Satan Action Figures! Bicycles! Popcorn! And plums!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then Juunana, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, back up the chimney! 

Then he snuck up to the icebox and took the whole feast!

He took the rice pudding! The dinosaur meat!

He cleaned out the icebox faster than a wink,

Why Juunana even took all their holiday drinks!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" Juunana grinned, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And Juunana grabbed the tree, and he started to shove

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast as something small caught his eye:

It was his niece Marron, no older than five. 

Juunana'd been caught by his sister's daughter

Who'd climbed out of bed for a cup of cold water.

She stared at Juunana for a while, then said "Santa-san, why,

Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?" 

But, you know, Juunana-gou was so smart and so sly

It took him less than a second to think up a lie!

"Why, my sweet little chestnut," the fake Santa-san lied,

There's a broken ornament here on this side.

So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

I'll fix it up there and I'll bring it back here." 

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head

And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.

And when Marron, contented, went to bed with her cup,

HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire;

No presents to share, no log for their fire. 

And the one speck of food

The he left in the house

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then

He did the same thing

To the other houses 

Leaving crumbs

Much too small

For the other house mouses! 

It was quarter past dawn...

Everyone still a-bed

Everyone still a-snooze

When he packed up his sled,

And took off with a zoom.

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Fryingpan,

With the belongings of all of the citizens of Satan.

"Pooh-pooh to Satan City!" he sang and he hummed.

They're finding out now that no Christmas will come!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

The all the citizens of Satan City will all cry BOO-HOO!" 

"That's a noise," grinned Juunana-gou,

"I can't wait to hear!"

So he paused, and he put a gloved hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow... 

But the sound wasn't sorrowful!

Why, this sound sounded cheery!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS cheery! VERY! 

He stared down at Satan City!

Juunana-gou popped his eyes!

Then he shook!

What he saw was a shocking surprise! 

Everyone down in Satan City, the tall and the small,

Was celebrating with Mr. Satan! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Juunana-gou, his boots dug ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"

And he puzzled three hours, 'till he could puzzle no more.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" 

And what happened then...?

Well...in Satan City they say

That Juunana-gou loosened

His bandanna that day!

And the minute his bandanna didn't feel quite so tight,

Oxygen went to his brain!

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light

And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!

And he... 

...HE HIMSELF...!

Juunana-gou carved the dinosaur meat!

The (Happy Holidays) End


End file.
